Filed under: Introspection: regrets | Tags: butcher's crossing, d.h. lawrence theory of love, lessons learned, loss thereof, NELP, subjectivity, summertime review, the unusable present, the useable past
SHOULD HAVE:
Germany, and not Long Island.
Poetry workshop, and not to Maine.
Held to that compact with my heart.
Kept more silence about what I wasn’t ready to say.
LEARNED THAT:
It counts and you can use it.
Sometimes it was just what you needed, and you couldn’t use it then. Sometimes benefitting from something means riding out from it in a different way. Like: you learn the gallop when you clear the last mountain. Of course nobody sees you. Of course you have to leave with your teachers thinking you probably drowned like a flagstone in that lake.
Sometimes–exigence. Sometimes–if you don’t try to stretch well then never. Sometimes–compact means running away within these clear thin lines. Learn to say: sycamore! balsam fir! vetiver! The pine is not the only one! Sometimes you still cut and run. Sometimes you learn to smuggle yourself like birdseed, in little gauze wrappers. Sometimes it’s not about quanta anymore; you’re overflowing from your jacket pockets. There, there. You found yourself again, even in those big trousers fro the thrift store. There you are, older, stranger. Take your mother’s boots. Drop skin. You can’t keep your markings, even when you learn to love them. Dream of boats and planes–living well is traveling briskly. Don’t sit and howl by the carrion. I love you, I’m walking up this road right now, I love you, if you’re there and this way I return–
Or write it down, sister memory!
JLR
Filed under: Introspection: regrets, Record of Lived Experience | Tags: Albert-Lüdwigs-Universität, amateur filmmaking, CALEDONIA, DOMOWINA, Freiburg, German Expressionism, Onkel Heinz, regrets, study abroad
Farina is coming down from the north. She will be my last visitor before taking off for the east. She is younger than the rest of them, so her parents will be coming with her. She is bringing along with her Onkel Heinz, the ghost costume that we made together over a year ago. Heinz starred, alongside Maria, Hans, Jürgen, Elsie, and Kaninchen, in a German neo-expressionist mash-up called Drehort Geschichteburg. Images follow.
It is the first anniversary of our arrest. As such, there are two significant plans for the day:
1. To make supplementary anniversary treats, some of which may be vegan cupcakes executed with a combination of garbanzo bean, coconut, and quinoa flour, the rest of which may prove to be a homemade batch of agave-sweeted coconut milk ice cream.
2. To film, on location in CALEDONIA, short clips that would have made up the second segment of Drehort Geschichteburg. Or, to follow Heinz to several scenic run-down-Ohio locations, and to film short clips that could be drowned out in sentimental music with PSA-like banners scrolling somewhere across the lower frame.
My mind can’t stay too long with ghosts. I am thinking about a post that came from Bacchus, which invited written correspondence from the friends who would stay stateside while he made his way to Freiburg, Germany. I was supposed to be part of that envoy to Freiburg, only I made the decision to transfer, and squashed those plans. I have never been one to spend too long pondering the dust-trails hanging over the crossroads and caddyshacks shooting behind me as the wagon lurches west(east)ward, but this time, it is hard to imagine that I have made a decision that will benefit me. Whoever could imagine that I would turn down the adventuresome path? I exchanged my internship with DOMOWINA on the Czech-German border for teaching on Long Island, and I exchanged my year at Albert-Lüdwigs-Universität for a year at a snobby East Coast stone-row school. I thought, I now think, that my intellectual experience would continue to be jagged and uneven (had I stayed). I did not want to pay the $13,000 a year that living abroad would cost me. (Now I am paying something like $20,000). I did not feel that I would have learned enough in my years at Michigan, and did not trust that I could return with only one, and make a satisfactory case for myself to a graduate institution. I will have to do my best to make sure Stone Row pounds out the lumpen dough of my heart into something flinty and smart and sparking all the time. For now, I will evade my Two Chief Duties–
1. Practice French; take on-line French placement exam
2. Lernen mehr Deutsch; nehmen die deutsches Prüfrung
– and play some more with ghosts.
JLR
